235: Shame on You? Who’s Really to Blame for an Affair? [Affair-Proof]

Apr 23, 2024

Shame on You? Who’s Really to Blame for an Affair?

We’re getting real about navigating through the mess of shame and blame in the aftermath of infidelity. It’s a deep, emotional rollercoaster of an episode but so needed. So, buckle up, because it’s about to get raw and honest. First off, it’s important to note that while either or both spouses may feel blame; shame is never productive. There is a stark difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says “I did something bad.” Shame says, “I am someone bad.”

facebook

Shifting Blame

Because the pain of what they’ve done is hard to bear, the cheating spouse will often use excuses to shift blame. They will blame their mother, their brother, their dog, the other woman or man; they may even blame their spouse. It’s like watching a game of ping pong. No one ever accepts the ball; they just keep hitting it back and forth.

Shifting blame opens the door up to the toxic power of shame. Let’s be real, we all need to hear that it’s okay to mess up without letting it define us. If we’re honest, we most of us have been guilt of playing the blame game at some point. Pointing fingers and looking for someone else to pin our mess on. Why do we do this? Because facing the truth about what we’ve done (and who we think we are, as a result) is painful to bear. But like putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound – blaming might cover the hurt, but it won’t stop the bleeding.

Repenting, Owning Up, and Making Amends

In order to start the healing process for the unfaithful spouse, there must be repentance. In order to start the healing process for the betrayed spouse, there must be forgiveness. Both are needed. There is a need for taking responsibility and repentance on the unfaithful spouse’s side. Nothing else will do. Gifts aren’t what’s needed. Feeling sorry for oneself isn’t required. Just a genuine desire to turn away from the unfaithfulness and make a clean start. No dodging, no deflecting, just straight-up owning it.

Part of making amends requires the unfaithful spouse to own up to the hurt he/she caused. This isn’t easy and it is painful to acknowledge the damage caused to the spouse they say they love. Unfortunately, sometimes the wounded spouse will try to make amends by shortcircuiting this process. The wounded spouse still loves his/her spouse even though his/her heart is broken. However, accelerating the repentance process isn’t healthy and sets the marriage on a dangerous path of repeated infidelities.

Seeking Help

It’s rare that a couple reaches out for marriage coaching when one of the spouses is being tempted to cheat. No, most couples wait until the marriage has been destroyed to reach out. Don’t get me wrong; it’s better than not reaching out, but think of how much less pain would be caused by reaching out earlier than later. There is no shame in needing help. As a matter of fact, it’s one of the most mature and wise decisions a struggling couple can make.

If your marriage is in danger of adultery, schedule a coaching call today. Even if one spouse has already crossed the great divide, it’s not too late if he/she is willing to repent and the wounded spouse is willing to forgive. At the end of the day, whatever a person has done, there is no shame on them. Guilt? Yes. Blame? Yes. But no shame. You are more than your worst mistake.

Today’s affirmation: “I am able to ask for help with no fear of shame.”