237: 6 Keys to Rebuild Trust After an Affair [Affair-Proof]

Apr 30, 2024

6 Keys to Rebuild Trust After an Affair [Affair-Proof]

Rebuilding trust after an affair is vitally important if the marriage stands a chance of restoration. There are many elements to consider, but today I’m sharing six keys to rebuild trust after an affair. Infidelity can be a devastating blow to any relationship, and the journey towards rebuilding trust is a complex and arduous one. Through this episode, we aimed to provide practical guidance and support to individuals and couples navigating the aftermath of betrayal.

Make a Plan for Affair Recovery

Your marriage will not restore itself. The affair recovery process demands a level of intentionality from the cheating spouse. This plan should be detailed (written down even) and discussed between both the cheating spouse and the wounded spouse. You’ve heard it said, “No one plans to fail; they fail to plan.” Truer words couldn’t apply here. If a wounded spouse simply reconciles after an affair with no plan in place, the chances of real restoration are low. As a matter of fact, it’s likely the affair or another affair is soon coming.

keys to rebuilding trust after an affair

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No-Contact No Questions Asked

The second key we explored is the non-negotiable necessity for the cheating spouse to cut off all contact with the person they had an affair with. This fundamental step serves as a promise of commitment to healing the relationship and rebuilding trust. Open and initiated accountability is equally essential, as the cheating spouse must take the proactive approach of being completely honest, transparent, and responsible for their actions.

Open Accountability in Marriage

After an affair, the wounded spouse is often tempted to constantly check up on the cheating spouse. I believe this has potentially torturous effects. Relentless investigations by the wounded spouse are a short-term, temporary fix and do not solve the issue of a lack of trust. Instead, I believe it’s better to redirect the focus toward constructive communication. Seeking external accountability served as another vital key. The cheating spouse must seek guidance and support from someone outside of the marriage.

Lay Down Your Weapons

Communication emerged as a central theme in this episode, with a focus on the significance of open conversations about the affair and the need for ongoing communication without defensiveness. The cheating spouse needs to lay down his/her “right” to be defensive and answer honestly and humbly.

Set Healthy Boundaries

In order for the affair to not re-occur, healthy boundaries must be set. It is unwise to leave the marriage open and vulnerable to another attack. Boundaries need to be set by both the cheating spouse and the wounded spouse. There needs to be communicated consequences if/when the boundaries are violated. For example, if the wounded spouse learns the cheating spouse is still communicating with the ex-partner, a separation may be warranted.

Time Doesn’t Heal; It Helps

Rebuilding trust requires time, patience, and persistence, and both partners must engage in honest and respectful dialogues to work through the pain and move forward. It is not true that time heals all wounds. Time alone heals nothing. But time does help to aid the grieving process and should not be rushed. This is a big wound, and the wounded spouse needs to be treated with care and respect.

In my personal and professional capacity, I have seen the devastating impact of infidelity, as well as the inspiring resilience and healing that can occur. As my husband and I have navigated these treacherous waters in our own marriage, we are passionate about offering empathy, understanding, and practical guidance to those seeking to rebuild trust after infidelity.

Our “Infidelity Intensive” video series is a fast-track plan designed to provide structured support for individuals and couples in the process of rebuilding trust. Ultimately, while infidelity can deeply wound a relationship, I want to reaffirm that all is not lost. Through dedication, open communication, and the willingness to do the necessary work, it is possible to rebuild trust after an affair. Healing and restoration are within reach, and joy and fulfillment can happen within the process of trust rebuilding.